Monday, April 26, 2010

Huge Helping of Humbleness

Well I have just come out of a the worst weekend for 2010 so far, and am at one of those crossroads where I just want to give up and cry but know that I won't, and will only push through with the little bit of strength that I can muster. Humbleness is an interesting thing, its a good quality, yet I think it it easily the hardest one. Lets face it, no one likes someone shoving in their face everything they are not good at...well, I have had a weekend of that.

*thanks weheartit for the pic*

My time here in France has not been easy in any sense of the word. Being millions of miles away from my family, my friends, and any normal life as I have come to define it, is hard enough, but add in some other extenuating circumstances and things get magnified. Well I've been so focused on my problems lately that I really, really let down my friend who has been my rock through this entire transition. I was so blind sided by it, and then saw everything clearly and felt so terrible. Its of course in those moments that there is no wording in the world that can you pull you out of the hole you've dug. Of course there are a million excuses for acting like a fool, and usually they are pretty valid, but at the end of the day, you screwed up and that's the bottom line. Of course luckily you have been blessed with people in your life that realize no one is perfect and we all make mistakes and you can both pick up the pieces and move on. My friends are so important to me and I would never ever want to hurt them in any way, so this is one of the biggest faux pas's for me, and for that I am truly sorry.

I can't really divulge on too many of the details involving the other situation, but know this darlings, I have reached this point where I feel like France is turning me into this person that I don't like. Someone whom I have never been. I think all I can do is suck it up and make the best of it. Do things I don't like or agree with and just try to appreciate all that I have right now rather than dwell on all that is bothering me. Besides, everyone has to pay their dues right, well maybe this is just a part of mine, but where's the line, how am I supposed to know? I hate feeling out of control and I hate conflict so when both of those are combined I'm really in an uncomfortable situation.

So there it is mes cheries, and here's what I'd like from you: advice and support. What do you do when life hasn't just got you down, but has literally put stopped you in your tracks and made you question everything you felt was true about life and about yourself?


Amber said...

Well you know I love you anyway, and I think you also know that i'm a sucker for trying to make other people feel better.
First, here's my take on this: What you are experiencing over here is so far outside of your comfort zone that it's not forgetting or losing sight of who you are, it's just meeting a "you" that you never knew existed. It might not be the best part of you, but you are still seeing sides to your strengths and weaknesses that you could have never imagined otherwise. If you don't like what you are seeing -- change it. I believe in the power of positive thinking, so if there is something specific that you are unhappy with, find a way around it. You are good at getting around and making the best of things, so put some energy into improving your immediate situation. What are the things that you do have the power to change? What are the things that you just have to accept as they are and learn how to live with? Make lists if you can.
This time last year my life changed. Jeremie lost his job, I had a shocking car crash, and on the same day I mailed my two month's notice at my job. Jeremie's job was something I couldn't control, my car crash was something I couldn't control, but my job (at that point) was. It was amazing how much clarity I got just from taking my life back into my own hands.
I know that for the moment your job isn't something that's changeable, but your way of thinking is -- "this is only temporary" should be your motto. Whatever challenges they put you through, whatever limits they push you to, "this is only temporary". Keep your eye on the goal. But what else can you change? First, if you want to travel more i'm down with that, but I need much more than a week's notice :) Second, same for going out - if I can have more time to prepare for it and work around it, that's good too. What else? The sun is starting to come out, it's warming up, and your family will be here before you know it. It's very easy to say "focus on the positives" but only you have the power to actually take that initiative and make it happen. If you stop letting the bad stuff count for so much, you might find that you can actually enjoy the rest :)
Believe me -- been there, done that, got all the t-shirts (and shoes, and accessories). If you let the negativity take hold, you'll hate your time here. If you shrug it off and face each day like a clean slate, you'll find that you just might start feeling better.

Michelle Elisabeth said...

I suppose it's moments like those that will ultimatly define you, the ones that make you re-examine the status quo and force you to push yourself in a new direction. I truly believe that even the most horrible things do happen for a reason, one that will be worthwhile in the end. For me, that mantra gets me through. For now, I think contact your support network and let them do what they do best. Listening ears and supportive hearts can do wonders. I hope this time passes soon ♥

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